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Episode: 286 - Rewire Your Relationship with Money: Understanding Core Beliefs

Our financial decisions may seem practical on the surface, but they’re often influenced by something deeper—core beliefs about money, self-worth, and abundance. These beliefs, sometimes formed from past trauma or instability, play a major role in shaping how we handle our finances, often without us even realizing it. 

 

 

Understanding Core Beliefs 

Core beliefs are fundamental perceptions we hold about ourselves. Sabrina Trobak from Trobak Holistic Counseling explains that common beliefs like “I’m not good enough,” “I’m not important,” or “I’m not valued” can affect our financial habits. For example, impulsive spending might temporarily soothe those feelings, but over time, it often strengthens the very insecurities we’re trying to escape. 

The Connection Between Core Beliefs and Financial Self-Worth 

There’s a close link between self-worth and financial decisions. Someone who feels they’re “not good enough” may unintentionally make financial choices that reinforce that belief. This unconscious pattern can sabotage efforts to build financial stability, trapping people in cycles of poor decision-making that reflect their inner doubts. 

Bringing Core Beliefs to Light 

Changing these behaviors starts with recognizing the core beliefs behind them. Sabrina suggests that by becoming aware of when these beliefs are triggered, you can start identifying patterns in your financial decisions. Asking yourself questions like “Do I feel good enough in this situation?” can help uncover how these beliefs influence your actions. 

Breaking the Cycle of Unhealthy Coping Strategies 

Many people fall into unhealthy coping strategies, using spending as a way to relieve emotional tension. Sabrina describes a cycle where emotions build up, leading to a sudden outburst, followed by a “honeymoon phase” of relief, and then a return to the same emotional buildup. Spending provides only temporary relief, but breaking this cycle involves confronting and managing those underlying emotions. 

Rewiring Core Beliefs 

While it can be difficult, changing core beliefs is possible with time and effort. Sabrina encourages identifying and fully experiencing emotions rather than suppressing them. Using tools like an emotions list can help recognize feelings and begin to shift unhealthy patterns. This process, though challenging, leads to long-lasting change by fostering healthier core beliefs. 

The Role of Self-Worth in Financial Success 

Financial literacy is important, but without addressing self-worth, it’s hard to apply money management strategies effectively. Sabrina emphasizes the importance of believing in your own financial confidence. Whether you’re earning a lot or a little, believing that you deserve financial success is essential for creating lasting change. 

Couples and Financial Harmony 

Core beliefs can also affect relationships. Sabrina explains how different financial habits in a couple often stem from individual beliefs about money and worth. For couples to thrive financially, both partners need to understand and address their core beliefs, align their goals, and improve communication to prevent reinforcing negative patterns within the relationship. 

Balancing Mental Health and Financial Stability 

The connection between mental health and finances is undeniable, with nearly half of people struggling with money-related stress. Sabrina stresses the need to tackle both the financial strategies and the deeper psychological aspects of money management. By working on self-worth, individuals can develop healthier spending habits that reflect their values and reduce financial stress. 

Moving Forward 

Feeling stuck because of core beliefs and financial habits can be overwhelming, but awareness is the first step. By recognizing why you engage in certain financial behaviors, you can start challenging and changing them. Sabrina recommends starting by identifying suppressed emotions and allowing yourself to experience them rather than avoiding them. 

For those interested in delving deeper into this subject, Sabrina’s resources, including her book on core beliefs and anxiety, provide valuable insights into confronting and transforming these ingrained patterns. More information can be found at www.trobakholistic.org  

Final Thoughts 

Our financial habits are often shaped by our core beliefs, but by understanding and transforming those beliefs, we can take control of our financial futures. Achieving financial freedom is about more than just knowing the right strategies—it’s about breaking the mental patterns that hold us back and building a healthier relationship with money. 

Resources Mentioned

Connect with Sabrina Trobak: www.trobakholistic.org

Get better results with your finances in 30-60 days - GUARANTEED. Watch this video to learn how! - https://www.debtfreedad.com/payoff-debt-in-60-to-90-days 

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Transcript: 

 

Brad Nelson Host

00:00
So today we are diving deep into the hidden forces behind our financial decisions, our core beliefs. So join us as I chat with Sabrina Trobak, from Trobak Holistic Counseling, to explore how deeply ingrained our beliefs about money, self-worth and abundance shape the way that we handle our money. Now, if you've ever felt stuck in a cycle of impulsive spending or struggle to break free from debt, this episode is going to be for you. Sabrina is going to share the powerful insights and practical strategies to help you identify and reshape these types of beliefs, empowering you to take control of your finances, build a healthier financial future and have a heck of a lot less stress. Stay tuned.

Announcer Announcement

00:43
You're listening to the Debt-Free Dad podcast with Brad Nelson. Brad and his co-hosts experience the anxiety of living paycheck to paycheck before learning the fundamentals of financial success. They are now on a mission to empower regular people to pay off their debt for good and enjoy happier, less stressful lives. Keep listening for inspirational interviews, tips, tricks and practical advice to less stressful lives. Keep listening for inspirational interviews, tips, tricks and practical advice to gain financial freedom.

Brad Nelson Host

01:15
Hey guys, I'm Brad Nelson, founder of Debt-Free Dad. Welcome to today's episode. I've paid off about $45,000 in debt, have been debt-free now for more than 11 years, outside of my mortgage. I've also been fortunate to help thousands of other people save and pay off tens of millions of dollars with the work that we do here at Debt-Free Dad. Now, after listening to this episode, you guys, if you want to take your finances to the next level, you want to have better progress with saving money, getting out of debt, reducing financial stress. We've got an amazing resource that's going to show you exactly how we're helping people do that and, seriously, guys, you could start seeing results in just the next 30 to 60 days. I'm going to be sharing some details about how you can get started with that later on in today's show. Hi Sabrina, welcome to the Deaf Free Dad podcast. So glad that you are joining us here today.

Sabrina Trobak Guest

01:58
Thanks for having me. I'm excited to be here.

Brad Nelson Host

02:01
Yeah, absolutely so. Can you share how you got into this line of work and how you're helping people now with like holistic counseling and things like that?

Sabrina Trobak Guest

02:10
For sure.

02:10
So I was a teacher for 20 years, mainly as a learning assistant teacher, so working with kids who struggled with learning disabilities, attention deficit, often behavior issues, so they often struggled also a fair amount with anxiety.

02:25
Towards the end of my teaching career, I went into school counseling and kind of thought that's where I would be. And then I went to a workshop on suicide. It was a three-day workshop presented by a man named Tony Martins, and at the end of a three-day workshop I just thought this is what I need to do. It's looking at the counseling perspective from a much deeper level. And so I spent about a year kind of bugging him and going back and forth, and he finally agreed to teach me his model of therapy, and so I quit my teaching career and moved back to Fort St John, which is where I grew up, lived with my mom and dad, my two kids and I lived with my parents for about a year as I got my company up and running, and within six months I had a waiting list. So that was in 2010. So it's been an interesting journey, to say the least.

Brad Nelson Host

03:19
Well, what an exciting journey, and it's always good to be obviously working with something that you're passionate about and that you truly care about. So it's so good to have you. So can you? Let's talk at the like, the basic level of when we say core beliefs, what are those? And you know, do we all have them? Where did it develop all of that?

Sabrina Trobak Guest

03:36
So, yeah, everybody has core beliefs and so what we see is the core belief is often feeling not good enough, not important, not valued, or good enough, important and valued. Nobody's 100% one or the other, but we often kind of slide more towards one than to the other. We often see people who've had a lot of trauma in their life, who've had to hold in and suppress emotions for most of their life, who's had a lot of unpredictability or instability, who have a lot of anxiety. Often that core belief not good enough, not important, not valued is more significant. So part of what I'm doing in my counseling agency is taking people whose core belief is not good enough, not important, not valued, helping them understand how that core belief has developed over the years and then what we need to do to challenge and change that core belief. So we're feeling more and more like we are good enough, important and valued.

04:27
The problem with core beliefs is they drive everything we do. So we're constantly trying to prove to ourself that what we believe about ourself is true. So if my core belief is not good enough, not important, not valued, I'm going to be drawn to people, places, experiences, even my perceptions are going to reinforce and support that core belief not good enough, not important, not valued. That's where finances plays a really significant role in this, because I can go out and spend something and feel really good for a while because I got that rush of spending, spending some money, but then ultimately, after I beat myself up because now I'm even more in debt, I've got a harder time to pull myself out of. I did it, maybe behind my partner's back. They didn't know I did it ultimately ends up reinforcing and supporting that core belief not good enough, not important, not valued.

Brad Nelson Host

05:16
Even more significantly, yeah, yeah, so in your it's so true and I see that a lot with a lot of the people that we coached over the years is that it definitely goes back, I mean, a long ways to childhood and where we learned about money and even some of our experiences outside of money and now how they're managing their finances even now, as an adult. The self-worth how does that influence? Maybe someone who might be a little confused by this say like okay, well, how does my self-worth influence the decisions I'm making with my finances, maybe some of my spending habits?

Sabrina Trobak Guest

05:52
Right. So that core belief is kind of at the center of everything that we do, and so it's that driving force where we're drawn to certain things. And so if I'm drawn to something where I feel good enough, important and valued, I usually don't stick with it for very long because now it's out of balance. Our brain likes balance. It wants things to be consistent, and so if I'm doing something where I feel good about myself, I feel proud, those kind of things, I might do it for a bit, but eventually my brain's gonna say no, this, no, this is out of balance, this doesn't fit anymore. So I'm going to almost need to sabotage myself to go back and do something that reinforces and supports that core belief. Not good enough, not important, not valued. Problem with that core belief is, for so many people it's an unconscious force. We're not even aware it's there. So how can we do anything about it if we're not even aware it's there and the power that it carries with it?

Brad Nelson Host

06:48
Yeah, so how do you do that? So how is someone who maybe isn't quite aware of what's really driving a lot of that you know subconsciously those core beliefs. How do they bring those out, or what are some ways that people can start to be, I guess, more aware of some of those things?

Sabrina Trobak Guest

07:04
What are some ways that people can start to be, I guess, more aware of some of those things? I think once you kind of you hear, you know if they're listening today and they hear not good enough, not important, not valued, then going forward, when something happens in your life, if you stop and think, OK, what is this kind of impacting? Do I feel not good enough? Do I feel not important, not valued? Or do I feel good enough, important and valued? It'll pop into your head. You'll figure it out pretty quick because it's there, it's just unconscious. So once you start looking for it, it becomes more and more apparent of how significant it actually really is.

Brad Nelson Host

07:39
Yeah, that's interesting. So what are some common core beliefs or, I guess, maybe what are some examples obviously without naming names because there's privacy and things but what are some things that you've seen with people that you've coached and counseled over the years where it was really having a major negative impact on their finances, and what types of suggestions and things did you give them to help them overcome some of those things?

Sabrina Trobak Guest

08:03
Well, I think one of the things that's really important is when we look at unhealthy coping strategies, there's a cycle that happens with them. So we have the cycle is four stars, four steps. So it starts with the explosion. This is where the behavior is really big and really significant. Then we have the honeymoon stage, where things are kind of settled, things are a bit more calm. Then we have the daily living stage where life just kind of goes on. But with that life going on, emotions build and build and build, and then we get to some sort of a trigger where we then have the explosion again.

08:36
And as a counselor, I talk about this cycle around anger quite a bit. Where we get really angry, we explode, then there's a bit of sense of peace and calm. After then life happens, and with everything we do, it creates emotion. You know, I spill my coffee, I can't find my keys, my kids aren't getting their pajamas on quick enough. Everything we do creates emotion, and we are not good at feeling our emotions in our society. So what happens is this emotion builds and builds and builds and builds. Then I need some sort of a trigger so that I can get angry again.

09:09
But it's not really just the cycle of anger; it is the cycle of any unhealthy coping strategy we are using to suppress emotion. So it works for spending as well. I go out, spend a bunch of money on things, something that I can't really afford. Then I feel better. There's that, you know, that kind of euphoric rush of "oh I got, you know, the new smell, new car smell" kind of thing.

09:31
But then life happens and it builds and builds, and builds and builds. Something happens and then I have to go out and spend again and often I end up spending a little bit bigger, because what I bought last time now that's not as exciting and new. So I have to get something a little bit bigger, a little bit bigger, and a little bit bigger. Problem with these cycles is there are cycles. There's no stop to them. They just keep going and going and going and going and generally, over time we're pushing down that emotion more and more and more. So those cycles get bigger and bigger and bigger, and the time between each cycle becomes less and less. So ultimately, I'm in this cycle to try to suppress and push down my emotions. But one of the things the cycle is also doing is reinforcing and supporting that core belief. Not good enough, not important, not valued.

Brad Nelson Host

10:18
Yeah, interesting. So is there a way to? Because you say these core beliefs are such a part of us and it's just we're wired this way. So is there a way to rewire or, say, reshape these core beliefs, or is it something that we're going to constantly battle and we just have to come up with better ways to cope with those?

Sabrina Trobak Guest

10:37
There’s a way to rewire and believe more that that core belief is good enough, important and valued. But it does take a lot of hard work and it is something that you know it's going to get easier and easier to challenge. But it is something that's going to be there, and when it pops off you want to kind of address it and kind of go, "okay, what's really going on here? Which core belief is being triggered?" Once you acknowledge that and the emotions that are connected, then we can start to break those cycles. The only way to break the cycle is we have to get better at feeling the emotion and recognizing the core belief that we're trying to suppress by using that unhealthy coping strategy like spending. So if I can stop and go, "okay, wait, what am I really feeling here? I'm feeling powerless, lonely, vulnerable, fear of rejection," and that core belief "not good enough" is really significant. If I can acknowledge those emotions, then I don't need to distract from them, so I don't need to stay in that cycle.

11:37
It is the only way to really break that cycle long term. We can white-knuckle it, but it just doesn't work. You know, it's a cycle for alcoholism as well. If we look at the success rate for AA, it's about three to five percent. So the vast majority of people who go to AA don't actually stop drinking. But of that three to five percent, a huge majority of them turn to anger or gambling, so it just switches from one to the other. So even if you manage to get your spending under control and you're getting better at that, the chances that something unhealthy as well is going to start to pop up becomes higher, unless we're really sorting through and dealing with that core belief. Not good enough, not important, not valued.

Brad Nelson Host

12:21
Yeah, that's interesting. Can you share in? Relationships are really tough when it comes to finances. It’s money fights, money arguments. It’s usually in the top three reasons of divorce, but I assume core beliefs play a big role in smashing them together. When we get into a relationship and we're trying to figure out how to work through some of these things, like how does a couple navigate this stuff and come together to be successful with managing something as stressful and emotional as money can be?

Sabrina Trobak Guest

13:00
So there's a famous couples counselor named James Framel who says we aren't drawn to the one we want, we're drawn to the one we need. So we're drawn to someone that we love but ultimately is going to reinforce and support that core belief not good enough, not important, not valued. And what we see is like people are drawn to like people. So my level of core belief not good enough, not important, not valued is going to be about the level of the person I'm drawn to. Core belief is going to be similar as well, and so what we often see in couples around the spending is we have one that's a spender and one that's the saver. And so the spender ends up resenting the saver because they're nitpicking and managing every money, and they're not allowed to spend a cent without permission. But the saver resents the spender because they're not being respectful of the money, and they're not trying to work on managing the money better. And so they ultimately end up resenting each other, reinforcing and supporting that core belief not good enough, not important, not valued in each other.

14:02
Now, again, this is unconscious. We're not like we're purposely trying to create that in our partner, but it's just what our brain does in trying to reinforce these things. So when we're working with couples, one of the things we really want to do is really focus on where did that core belief come from? What do we need to do to challenge that and manage it differently? If both people in the relationship are working on understanding their emotions, recognizing their core belief, understanding where it comes from, they’re both going to get to healthier spending habits as well together. If one does it and the other doesn’t, it creates even more problems.

Brad Nelson Host

14:40
Yeah, so in your expertise—and we talked briefly right before we had hit record—you had mentioned, you know, when you're on other podcasts or when you have other conversations, a lot of it’s around mental health, and there was a statistic that recently just came out.

14:53
I think it was around 44 to 45 percent of people now say that money stress is negatively impacting their mental health right now. So how do we attack this? Is it something that we, in your experience from a counseling perspective, do we need to focus more on, like what we're talking about, this deeper level stuff, or are there things on a surface level, from a financial standpoint, that can really help with some of those things? I think this is sometimes the thing that can really overwhelm people when it comes to their finances, because on the surface, yes, they have credit card debt, they're not able to save, there's impulsiveness, there's wasteful spending, but they don't want to always understand what's driving all of that, because money is such an emotional thing. So where do you suggest people start when it comes to some of these things that we've been talking about here today?

Sabrina Trobak Guest

15:39
Well, I think you need a combination of both. We need the strategies, we need the surface things around understanding credit card debt and avoiding credit card debt and trying to create a bit of a savings. Now, for some families, that's much easier said than done because they have more income. But one of the things I see in my counseling agency is yeah, somebody makes $300,000 a year, but they have $500,000 in debt, whereas I have someone else who makes $30,000, but they have $40,000 in debt. So it’s not really the amount of money—the more you make, the more you spend is often what we see.

16:15
So again, that comes back. If I believe more about myself, I’m going to be able to manage my money better, whatever it is, whether it’s $30,000 a year or $300,000 a year. So we need to find a balance of what are some of the basic strategies that we need to do. But to be able to implement those strategies consistently over a significant period of time, we have to change that self-worth so we believe we have the right to feel more confident financially.

Brad Nelson Host

17:17
It really is a fascinating topic. So what would you say to someone who's feeling a bit trapped with this? And you know they’re trapped with their core beliefs. They feel like man, nothing they are doing is working. What suggestions or what maybe first steps would you provide them here today if they're looking to maybe go down the rabbit hole a little bit more in their lives in some of this stuff?

Sabrina Trobak Guest

17:43
I think one of the biggest pieces is the awareness. We need to understand why we often just focus on the behavior and try to stop the behavior. That's not going to be successful long term. We need to understand why we're using that behavior in the first place, what's driving it, and like I said, if we go back and look at two main pieces: the emotions that it’s creating and what core belief is being triggered in it, and address that at that level where we just allow ourselves to feel those emotions, acknowledge that core belief, then we can start to get a better understanding of the why. Then we can challenge the behavior.

18:19
Now, if you’ve spent the vast majority of your life suppressing your emotions and not feeling your emotions, and now Sabrina sitting here saying, "feel your emotions," you're going, "yeah, right, how do I do that?" It’s challenging, right? And so one of the things we recommend is I have a list of emotions that I give to my clients and I mean it’s on my website, but really you can Google "emotions list" and probably get 100,000 hits of different ones that are out there. Print off an emotion list, because if I try to just think in the moment, "What am I feeling right now?" and I've spent my whole life suppressing my emotions, I’m not going to be very good at it. I might get one or two, but quite often I won’t come up with anything. It’ll be more of a thought than it is an emotion. But if I look at that list and I read through all those emotions, they will jump out the page—the ones that I am feeling. So even just reading, "confused, lonely, sad," I’m allowing myself to start to feel that emotion, just a little bit at a time.

19:17
If we’ve been holding emotions in for a really long time, to go and feel them is overwhelming. It feels like it’s just going to be too much. So we need to start very small and slowly just start to identify what the emotion is, then get better at feeling it. It gets better and better, easier and easier to be able to feel the emotions the more we practice it. But we need to look at that driving force behind the behavior. Every time I do that, if I can stop and acknowledge, "okay, I'm feeling sad, lonely, scared," I'm challenging that core belief because my core belief is now "good enough, important and valued." I'm saying I can address my emotions, I can feel my emotions, I am going to be okay on the other side of my emotions. That reinforces and supports that core belief. Good enough, important and valued.

Brad Nelson Host

20:02
Yeah, so good. Such a fascinating topic, and I appreciate you coming on and sharing a little bit of your expertise on this because, again, I sometimes feel like we look at our financial issues and our challenges but we don't understand like there’s more underneath that's driving some of that mismanagement of money and stress behind it and all of the emotion that goes with it. So it's been great to be able to chat with you a little bit about this. So, with holistic counseling and services that you offer, like where can more people find more information about you, how maybe you can help them or any sort of resources that you have out there?

Sabrina Trobak Guest

20:36
Sure. So I have a website. It's called trobackholistic.org. On the website there's a lot of information about kind of the process that I go through, but I also have a page for podcasts where I talk about different pieces of mental health. I also have a blog session section that has a lot of information around anxiety and mental health and core belief and all those kind of things as well. I have a YouTube and a Facebook channel. They are both trobackholistic.org.

21:05
I am on Instagram where I do little blurbs of pieces around the core belief and that one is NGE for not good enough, so NGE underscore TROBAK, t-r-o-b-a-k. And then I just started TikTok and it is NGE underscore core underscore belief. I should also mention I wrote a book about anxiety and that core belief not good enough as well is available on Amazon and it really goes through and helps you get a better understanding of where is that core belief for you, how did it develop over the years, what is, how does it look for you, what is your anxiety, your anger, all those areas you're spending, and then what are some strategies you can use to help you manage and challenge that core belief?

Brad Nelson Host

21:49
Awesome and we'll be sharing some of those resources, obviously, in the show notes for you listeners out there if you want to get some more information and follow Sabrina. But, Sabrina, thank you so much for taking time out of your day and jumping on our podcast and just sharing some of your expertise on this.

Sabrina Trobak Guest

22:37
Thanks for having me.

 

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